I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I feel like so much is going on right now. And in the midst of it, I am trying to get back to the gym and to Fitness Pal. It’s the 8th day of January and I just can’t get it together.
And today, I just decided to confront those things that are keeping me from going to the gym and eating right.
I keep stuffing my face to try to numb the pain of infertility. I am leaving my place of hope and entering my place of panic. And it is wearing on me.
There. I said it.
I am stuffing my face, and not exercising.
My brother and his wife, and their daughter, my precious love of my life, Ava, are leaving at the end of the month to move to Texas. That is twenty hours away from me.
I am stuffing my face to numb the sadness that overwhelms me about that. My brother will never know my kid, (that I may not even have) like I know his. My relationship with his kid, Ava, will never be the same. Our relationship is about to change. This makes me sad, because I like it the way it is.
So, I eat to numb that pain.
So many changes. So many things on my mind.
I have turned to God. I have been attending church regularly, and praying often.
And now I just need to treat myself better, eat right and exercise. And be sad when I need to be sad.
I need to lean on people, not food.
I am hoping by putting these thoughts to words, I will do something about it.
Today I even went so far as to pack a gym bag.
But, I didn’t go to the gym after school.
I went home. And ate pumpkin bread.
So, this was quite a pity party, wasn’t it?
There have been many bright spots in my days.
Oh, Mister Bates. And Mary and Matthew…sigh…
And, my favorite magazine of the year…
Also, I had a really great weekend.
On Saturday night, my niece Ava spent the night.
Then, some of my best girlfriends came over, and we played a game called Things, and mostly laughed our butts off the whole night. Beth FS brought her daughter who is friends with my Ava, and they played all night and listened to One Direction.
These are friends I’ve known for over 20 years, so it felt good to hang out with them, and as I mentioned, LAUGH!
These are some of the funniest people I know.
Well, this blog entry was cathartic.
I am feeling more hopeful, and ready to take on the gym tomorrow.
I guess sometimes it just feels good to let out your feelings and deal with them.
Tomorrow is Wednesday, but I am ready for it to be Friday.
Although, my weekend holds mostly cleaning in store for me as I am having a massive going away party for my brother the following weekend….
more on that later.
Have a good evening!